WOODSTOCK, ME — Podcast host Tucker Carlson reportedly deflected blame over dirty dishes left in his kitchen sink on Tuesday, notifying his wife that they were placed there by Israel.

DALLAS, TX — Local driver and overachiever Ethan Harper reportedly showed off an insufferable level of perfectionism during his morning commute on Tuesday by intentionally using his vehicle's turn signal before changing lanes.

BOSTON, MA — Governor Maura Healey signed into law House Bill 5595 this morning, legalizing abortion in the state of Massachusetts up until a child enters Kindergarten.

U.S. — A new study from the New York Sports Science Laboratory demonstrated that the NFL's new concussion-prevention helmets were proven to be 100% effective at keeping players from looking cool.

ARCHERON (LV-426) — A grotesque creature scientists identified as a Xenomorph Queen reportedly elected to freeze its eggs until such time as it becomes "emotionally ready" to have offspring.

U.S. — The Democratic Party announced on Tuesday that U.S. citizens were not allowed to remember all those things the party said and did just a few years ago.

MANCHESTER, NH — Local man Stephen Barnes returned home from work early Monday evening, exhausted after a long day of typing stuff into ChatGPT.

U.S. — The general public breathed a sigh of relief on Monday after it was revealed that a team of top scientists was hard at work trying to come up with a way to make the iPhone weather app even less accurate.

PLAINVIEW, TX — Local 40-year-old man Ben Gantry admitted that he had spent the past three decades chasing the high he first felt while seeing the cards bounce around the computer screen after winning a game of solitaire.

IRVINE, CA — The elders of the United Reformed Church of Irvine made the devastating discovery Sunday that an unscriptural hymn, entirely inappropriate for corporate worship on the Lord's Day, was unfortunately quite a banger.

TERRE HAUTE, IN — In a wholesome display of innocence, a five-year-old white girl reportedly told her parents how she dreamed of one day growing up to get beaten up in the WNBA.

U.S. — A new report confirmed that white people remained totally unaffected after a massive recall was issued across the U.S. for contaminated jalapeños.

AUSTIN, TX — Senate candidate James Talarico announced on Monday morning that he would be following in the inspiring footsteps of Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and electing to have his eggs frozen.

U.S. — In a disgusting act of appalling bigotry, the WNBA is refusing to allow a stunning, beautiful woman into the league on the grounds that she is actually a biological male.

With the population of California diminishing of late, we at The Babylon Bee are here to help turn the tide. Here are just ten of the many great reasons why you should turn that U-Haul around and head to the Golden State:

ROANOKE, VA — Upon seeing a middle-aged man join her line, local 16-year-old grocery cashier Mandy Banks began desperately hoping that he would try to start up small talk with her.

EDEN — Having gone an inordinate length of time standing watch in the same place for many, many years, the angel guarding the Garden of Eden with a flaming sword reportedly started wondering if he could move yet.

CINCINNATI, OH — A new study from the Center for Television Research shows humanity is deeply yearning for creators to produce more of the beloved '90s cartoon Animaniacs.

BETHSAIDA — Reports confirmed that Jesus of Nazareth had successfully fed a crowd of 5,000 men, plus women and children, using just five barley loaves and two small fish, achieving an estimated cost-per-serving of approximately $0.0039.

SOUTH BEND, IN — The debate over dangerous pets heated up again after a woman took her pet velociraptor out for a walk and declared, "There aren't any bad pets, only bad owners."