SAN FRANCISCO - The National Guard has been called to California's Golden City to neutralize a 600-foot-tall Katie Porter, who is apparently rampaging her way through San Francisco.

Has your wife crossed the line from fun Halloween decorations to total psychopathy? Look for the signs below that she's overdone it:

The seasons are a-changing, and your darling wife is already shivering as temperatures drop into the 70s. With winter approaching, here are eight clever ways to actually keep your wife warm:

HELL — The founder of Islam expressed continued frustration with Democrats on Wednesday, calling them out for referring to Islam as a "religion of peace."

CHICAGO, IL - President Trump has graciously agreed to compromise with Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson, allowing for designation of an "ICE-free zone" in the Mayor's house.

NEW YORK CITY — New York City mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdani paraglided into his campaign event today in honor of October 7th and the horrific atrocities committed by Hamas that day.

ALEXANDRIA, VA — At his arraignment on charges of making false statements and obstruction, former FBI Director James Comey produced a letter signed by 51 former intelligence officials testifying to the fact that he's totally innocent.

ARLINGTON, VA — An embarrassed Jay Jones realized earlier this week that he was only supposed to support murdering kids before they were born, not after.

SPRINGFIELD, IL — Seeking to ramp up his opposition force against the invasion of federal agents seeking to enforce the law, Governor JB Pritzker activated 100 battalions of illegal immigrants in Illinois's war against ICE.

Video games have a reputation for violence and novelty, but they can actually be quite Christ-focused. Just consider these top 20 Christ metaphors in video games:

FRANKLIN, KY — A strange phenomenon was observed in a local household this week, as a husband noticed that his wife again decided to ask a question to 10,000 random strangers on Facebook rather than just googling it to get the right answer.

GRAND TETONS, WA — In a tragic displacement caused by the ongoing government shutdown of National Parks, moose across the country have been forced to find new jobs.

GAZA — The few remaining terrorists keeping up the fight against Israel acknowledged their grim circumstances this week, as the three surviving members of Hamas started to think that maybe their October 7, 2023, wasn't such a great idea.

U.S. — The results of a new study on violent video games appear to show that parents are concerned that non-violent video games are turning their kids into sissies.

CHICAGO, IL — As the city seeks to push back against President Donald Trump's efforts to enforce immigration law, Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson told his aides that he hoped their "ICE-Free Zones" would work a lot better than their "Gun-Free Zones."