PHILADELPHIA, PA — Local man Dan Flannigan prayed this morning for the Lord to bless to the nourishment of his body the six kinds of leftover pie he would be consuming for breakfast.

OXFORD — One of the most well-known stories from the biblical gospels took on a whole new meaning this week, as a team of scholars revealed that they now believe the young rich man went away sad when Jesus told him to sell all his possessions because he had the Nintendo Power Glove.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — New reports indicated that local homeless man John Brill politely yet firmly refused a passerby's offer of free leftover marshmallow jello salad earlier today, despite having not eaten in several days.

PORTLAND, OR — A turkey that had previously been pardoned by former President Joe Biden four times was reportedly arrested in connection with a violent turkey murder.

Conservatism may be the superior political ideology, but don't beat yourself up, liberals. There's still plenty to be thankful for this year.

U.S. — Authorities issued a public service announcement in time for the holiday season, reminding parents that if they leave their children home alone, they should ensure that they have access to plenty of paint cans, a blowtorch, and a cardboard cutout of Michael Jordan. In a pinch, a cardboard cutout of Shaquille O'Neal would also be acceptable.

MOULTONBOROUGH, NH — To make the most of the Thanksgiving holiday, the Richardson family reportedly instituted helpful debate rules allowing for 2-minute speeches followed by a 1-minute rebuttal.