Talk show host Steven Colbert signed off this week after CBS aired his final episode of The Late Show, leaving him on the hunt for his next professional endeavor. But what will he do next?

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump confirmed on Friday that, instead of attending his son's wedding in the Bahamas, he had a very special surprise for him: Cuba.

U.S. — The Democratic National Committee released its autopsy this week of what went wrong in the 2024 election cycle, the contents of which turned out to just be the results of an autopsy performed on former President Joe Biden.

U.S. — After sitting down for an interview with podcaster Candace Owens, Hunter Biden's reputation was reportedly in ruins.

GREENVILLE, SC — Sources revealed that the company-wide meeting scheduled today for all SynerTech employees was, in actuality, just for Phil.

CAMBRIDGE — Scholars at Cambridge University now believe the biblical John the Baptist only went by that name to distinguish himself from other prominent Johns of the period, particularly John the Presbyterian.

LOS ANGELES, CA — Popular house-purchasing platform Zillow added a new feature this week that helpfully informs users of which houses in Southern California are currently on fire.

U.S. — Members of the generation that oversaw putting America $39 trillion in debt gathered in solidarity this week to lecture Gen Z about its reckless financial habits.

U.S. — With The Late Show scheduled to end its 33-year run on Thursday night, the nation was looking forward to not watching Stephen Colbert one last time.

LOS ANGELES, CA — White smoke was once again seen rising from the city of Los Angeles, signaling that Karen Bass was still mayor.

U.S. — Following news that Senator Thomas Massie had lost his bid for re-election, several politicians have reportedly begun offering media personality Tucker Carlson up to $1 million dollars if he agrees not to endorse them.

NORFOLK, VA — A member of Generation Z reportedly starved to death while waiting for a DoorDash delivery that would never come, authorities confirmed Wednesday.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a groundbreaking case that legal experts predicted would set a historic precedent for generations to come, the United States Supreme Court agreed on Wednesday to hear an argument between siblings over which one of them had called shotgun.

LONDON — In the wake of yet another deadly stabbing of a British citizen at the hands of a migrant, authorities in the United Kingdom issued a stern warning to all native residents to stop being stabbed to death by Muslims.

EPHESUS — Struggling to stretch his third letter to the recommended length, the Apostle John cleverly used 1.5-spacing, extra wide margins, and wrote in a generous 22-point font.

GARRISON, KY — Congressman Thomas Massie has finally been recognized as a true libertarian after becoming unemployed.

LOUISVILLE, KY — Representative Thomas Massie has accused the Jewish population of rural Kentucky of being the cause of his primary defeat.

LOST HILLS, CA — New reports show the four old guys hanging out at Denny's at 6 a.m. are having a better day than you or anyone else could possibly dream of.

OVERLAND PARK, KS — The need for the construction of massive data storage centers has been in the news again recently, with the results of a new study indicating that 90% of data centers are just storage for your wife's pictures of the kids.