WASHINGTON, D.C. — In order to limit interruptions at tonight's White House Correspondents Dinner, President Donald Trump requested that Democrats please hold all assassination attempts until after his speech.

CONCORD, NH — Labor Day, and the symbolic start of pumpkin spice season, is just a short 45 days away, and local woman Debrah Norringham was reportedly getting her house in the autumn spirit with a festive new pumpkin spice advent calendar.

NEW YORK, NY — After personally declaring war on the Jewish people, Mayor Zohran Mamdani issued a forceful condemnation of the rise of violence against Jews.

NEW YORK, NY — As a mugger repeatedly stabbed him on a Manhattan street corner, local resident Ethan Wallace took comfort in the knowledge that Mayor Zohran Mamdani remained laser-focused on bringing Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to justice.

LOS ANGELES, CA — A construction site in the downtown area was fined several thousand dollars on Thursday after inspectors from OSHA cited them for not blaring mariachi music.

NORTH HAVEN, CT — A local member of Gen Z reportedly suffered from a major panic attack on Thursday after becoming worried that he may have nailed his job interview.

U.S. — League officials for the WNBA warned Indiana Fever guard Sophie Cunningham that if men were not allowed to play women's sports, the league would immediately fold.

ITHACA — Upon finally returning home after a desperate 20-year journey, Odysseus was informed by his wife Penelope that she was out of baking powder, and she asked if he could please run out again real quick.

CHICAGO, IL — Mayor Brandon Johnson credited Chicago's drop in reported crime to his new policy of holding the crime statistics chart upside down.

U.S. — Finally making public a long-anticipated change to the denomination's policy regarding qualifications for members of its pastorate, the United Methodist Church announced a ban on heterosexual clergy.

There's no denying the natural order of things — there are some things women are just plain better at than men. Being aware of these things can help life go more smoothly.

Feel Irish from the comfort of your own home with this simple trick!

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As congressional hearings looking into "wokeness" in federal institutions took place on Capitol Hill, a Smithsonian director admitted that she was completely unaware of any "Kill Whitey" tattoo on her forehead.

NEW YORK, NY — After coming to the sobering realization he has no authority to arrest a world leader, Mayor Zoran Mamdani reportedly released an epic hip hop diss track designed to get Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu shaking in his boots.

TRENTON, NJ — Concerns about election integrity in the United States were once again brought to the public's attention, as New Jersey blamed a "slight software glitch" for accidentally enrolling the entire country of Bolivia as voters.

NEW YORK CITY — Mayor Zohran Mamdani tearfully admitted in a recorded statement that he does not, in fact, have any legal authority to invade Poland.

SEATTLE, WA — In a shocking turn of events, the mutant raccoon and viral social media star known as "Jimothy" was eaten this afternoon by Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr.

Women may be the fairer sex, but are they the better sex? Research is conclusive that men are better at quite a few things than women.

NEW YORK, NY — The red-hot warmth of collectivism struck a federal immigration court in downtown New York City yesterday, injuring multiple people with its soothing heat.

ELKO, NV — Local woman Sherry McKenzie reportedly ruined her reputation and was now being held up as an example of what a total failure of a woman looks like after it was discovered that she hasn't finished her Christmas shopping.