PALO ALTO, CA — Local woman and self-proclaimed feminist Brandy Sidwell expressed frustration this week over the fact that all the men she hates refuse to date her.

It can be hard to know what to say to a pregnant lady, especially when you're the man she's depending on for love and support. Fear not, gentlemen.

ABILENE, TX — Local 8-year-old Caden Maxwell came home from Sunday School sorely disappointed that "Sword Drills" turned out to be far different than what he expected.

QUANTICO, VA — While delivering remarks at Marine Corps Base Quantico, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth made the surprise announcement that all women would henceforth be banned from playing any class in a video game other than "healer."

U.S. — Death row inmates all across the United States reportedly placed urgent requests to have their executions performed by all-female teams.

The New York Times is a staple of the American newspaper industry, which is impressive considering it has a reputation for not reporting news. Its recent treatment of the attempted terrorist hijacking of a FlyDubai jet is only the latest example.

HARMONDSWORTH — Following the harrowing ordeal aboard flight FZ 1073 to Tel Aviv, in which he was subdued by passengers while attempting a violent terrorist attack, the FlyDubai hijacker has reportedly already landed a new job at British Airways.

PUEBLO, CO — Stunned Starbucks workers completely froze up in apparent awestruck wonder as local 39-year-old man Nathan Almes ordered a mysterious beverage called a "black coffee," sources confirmed Thursday morning.

JERUSALEM — King Solomon held court with his 700 wives and 300 concubines to ask whether or not there is anything to the charges he is a patriarchal misogynist.

ATLANTA, GA — Delta executives announced this week that they would be removing all electrical systems from their airplanes after learning Elon Musk's Tesla cars also run on electricity.

GLOUCESTERSHIRE — A group of Muslim men released by authorities earlier this week were back in custody today after police received reports that the men had shared a meme online.

TEL AVIV — Disaster nearly struck FlyDubai Flight FZ1073 this morning after the pilot forgot to illuminate the "No Hijacking" sign.

CASTLEWOOD, SD — Former DHS Secretary Kristi Noem filed for divorce this week, with legal experts expecting her to receive half of her husband's bras in the settlement.

Children's educational television is traditionally stale and only entertaining to kids who haven't yet been introduced to Batman: The Animated Series. But all it takes to change that is a few good ideas.

CANA — New research has suggested that the famous miracle of the water turned into wine at the wedding at Cana may have been undone soon thereafter, as Jesus witnessed guests doing the Electric Slide.

JONESBORO, AR — Local woman Geena Parks reportedly couldn't contain her excitement for October to begin, which she said is the start of "taking pictures of your Bible next to a cup of coffee" season.

NEW YORK, NY — Mayor Zohran Mamdani announced a new plan to fight antisemitism by locking his own anti-semitic wife in their bedroom closet.

THE FUTURE — The year is 2064, and the guys from Dude Perfect are still going strong, having just released their latest video featuring the most insane wheelchair trick shots this side of Shady Oaks Nursing Home.

LONDON — The British government issued an official public apology on Tuesday for interrupting whatever it was the nice Muslim men in unmarked vans were doing at 1:00 a.m. outside a military base used by U.S. forces.

An archaeological dig at the purported site of Noah's Ark has gotten people really excited. And it appears that it might be legit, because the team behind Noah's Ark Scans has already made some incredible finds.