What good is an amendment saying we have the right to bear arms if I can't go house to house firing buckshot into every inflatable Christmas minion I see?

EAGAN, MN — In a move intended to better reflect the state's modern demographics and generate more interest in the team from the populace, the Minnesota Vikings announced that they were changing their name to the Minnesota Somali Pirates.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Americans received further proof that their president remained laser-focused on nothing but leading the country, as Donald Trump's Spotify Wrap revealed that he listened to "God Bless the USA" 160,000 times this year.

ISTANBUL — In a remarkable moment of Church history, leaders of the Catholic and Orthodox Churches have come together to officially denounce Wham's "Last Christmas".

With accusations flying of war crimes on the high seas, you may find yourself asking: what really constitutes a war crime? Let us help unpack this complex issue and break down what does and doesn't make someone a war criminal:

BOULDER, CO — Local woman Denise Manthei fulfilled the Great Commission today by purchasing a mug proclaiming that all she needs is coffee and Jesus.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In addition to calling for Secretary of War Pete Hegseth to resign due to his oversight of military drone strikes against drug boats, Democrats also accused Luke Skywalker of war crimes for using more than one proton torpedo against the Death Star.

It's Christmas time again, and if you're a megachurch pastor (or one of the 38 members of the pastoral staff), you know that a few robes and cardboard cut-outs of animals won't cut it. You have to take it up a notch. Or a hundred notches.

SPRINGFIELD, VA — As the Department of Homeland Security sought to tighten security across the board for travelers around the country, the Transportation Security Administration announced that anyone who doesn't acquire a Real ID by the appointed deadline will be sent to a screening line manned by Creepy Kevin.

BLOOMINGTON, IN — Local mother Sheila Dunn was reportedly treated to a spontaneous deep-tissue back massage when her five-year-old kid began kicking her back in the middle of the night.

U.S. — In addition to preventing people from entering the United States from various nations around the world, the White House revealed on Tuesday that Minnesota had been added to President Trump's third-world travel ban.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Newly released results of a medical exam proved what many had suspected for years, as an MRI confirmed that President Donald Trump suffers from incurable advanced-stage patriotism.

Marriage is an endless bouquet of blessings and discoveries, with each new day bringing new joys and delights to those who join in the divine covenant. That being said, what are husbands good for, exactly?

Prayer is among the most powerful tools Christians have, yet like a sad houseplant, it's often neglected. That's why we consulted with the world's most faithful and holy Christians to learn the best tips to maintaining a healthy prayer life. Check them out below.

U.S. — Following a difficult year that saw the party lose the White House to Donald Trump and both houses of Congress to Republican control, a new survey revealed that Democrats' poll numbers had surged among the key narcoterrorist demographic.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Congresswoman Ilhan Omar has gone on the record to condemn Trump for suggesting she be deported to Somalia, arguing that she has every right to stay in the horrible country she hates.

U.S. — In a shift from addressing the issue of foreign narcotics trade by attacking cartel boats, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced that he had halted demand in the U.S. for illegal drugs by drone striking Hunter Biden.

ST. PAUL, MN — Desperate to clear his good name, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz offered to give several journalists free tampons if they would stop talking about his fraud scandal.

BEAUMONT, TX — Local man Michael Strong looked wistfully out the window, longing for the good old days when Black Friday shopping was all in person and people feared for their very lives.

RENO, NV — After missing out on Black Friday shopping, local man Chris Rogers was forced to purchase a new television for the exact same price but without a "BLACK FRIDAY SALE" tag.