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CHICAGO, IL — A local hospital celebrated the grand opening of an express lane for people suffering from 10 or fewer gunshot wounds on Thursday, touting it as a revolution in Chicago healthcare.

U.S. — National productivity skyrocketed on Thursday after Microsoft Teams went down, affording millions of Americans the rare opportunity to actually do their jobs.

NEW BRAUNFELS, TX — Local six-year-old Brayden Hempstead set a new world record this week after going 2-for-10 on hand motions during a children's church choir production.

U.S. — Beloved national breakfast food chain Waffle House announced this week new plans to begin airing the fights that happen inside its restaurants on pay-per-view every Saturday night.

DUBLIN, OH — After seeing yet another whiny baby of a patient complaining about having an anaphylactic response to peanuts, local physician Dr. Mark Townsend recommended that his patient try just being a man and dealing with it.

U.S. — The United States issued a collective announcement today that it had officially ruled out a Nikki Haley 2028 presidential run.

GOTHAM CITY — According to sources, the Batman has exchanged his famous utility belt for more convenient bat-cargo pants.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House announced on Thursday that President Donald Trump had secured a deal with the Miss America Pageant to crown the next White House press secretary.

The end is officially near, as Democrats' midterm wins have swept them back into power, giving America — and indeed freedom itself — mere days left to live. Fortunately, you still have time to enjoy some of life's sweetest liberties before democracy dies.

PHILADELPHIA, PA — One of the sports world's brightest stars suffered a significant health scare on Tuesday night, as LeBron James was forced to press his Life Alert button after falling during a game.

LUBBOCK, TX — A drummer in a local megachurch praise band was horror-stricken after he accidentally summoned a demon while attempting to play in 6/8 time.

BLOOMINGTON, MN — Local man Max Carter announced he is 100% ready for a civil war even though he needs his wife's permission to go golfing.

ANAHEIM, CA — What had looked to be a promising career in the food service industry was abruptly cut short on Wednesday, as a local Taco Bell employee was fired for passing his drug test.

OVERLAND PARK, KS — A local baby was relieved to have narrowly avoided life-threatening danger last month by making it out of his mother's womb before Democrats won the midterm elections.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the midterm elections now over and the nation's capital preparing for the incoming Democratic control of the legislative branch, Republicans announced a new plan to do exactly the same thing and expect different results.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Contrary to popular belief, Republican lawmakers are reportedly glad that they lost the election because now they will have an excuse for not getting anything done.

LAS VEGAS, NV — Colin Kaepernick briefly got his hopes up today after seeing an incoming call from an unknown number, only to discover it was about his car's extended warranty.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Witnesses were reportedly shocked to see a common sparrow chattering away on a tree branch, seemingly unconcerned that Republicans had lost both the House and Senate.

We've all been there, men. You're waiting in line outside GameStop, minding your own business, when a gorgeous Chinese woman walks up and asks you to dinner. You start dating, but the question lingers — could she actually be a spy?