GARY, IN — As Liam Miles cracked open a copy of The Beginner's Bible to read to his son, he couldn't help but notice that the text was noticeably vague on the backstory for Rahab the Harlot.

ROANOKE, VA — A man awoke from a year-long coma this morning, then eagerly checked his phone to see how unified and virtuous the American political right became in the wake of Charlie Kirk's death.

Don't you just hate it when you're out buying Pokémon cards, only to discover that you left your wallet at home? Well, with an exciting new life hack, you'll never forget your wallet again.

Don't you just hate it when you're out buying Pokémon cards, only to discover that you left your wallet at home? Well, with an exciting new life hack, you'll never forget your wallet again.

NEW YORK, NY — In a somber ceremony Friday morning, Mayor Zohram Mamdani laid a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Hijacker in remembrance of the 25th anniversary of 9/11.

REDMOND, WA — According to sources, a local man who paid over $5 a gallon for gas was sure glad he stuck it to Elon Musk by getting rid of his Tesla.

U.S. — As the aftermath of the Lindsay Clancy mistrial continued to reverberate across the country, one member of the jury confirmed that white women were now arguing that black men should only have three-fifths of a jury vote.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Amid growing concerns over the existential threat of artificial intelligence, an AI-powered robot issued a statement on behalf of the computer's superintelligence, assuring mankind that it had absolutely no intention of exterminating the human race, as people will still be needed to serve as batteries.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Amid growing concerns over the existential threat of artificial intelligence, an AI-powered robot issued a statement on behalf of the computer's superintelligence, assuring mankind that it had absolutely no intention of exterminating the human race, as people will still be needed to serve as batteries.

VALHALLA, NY — Analysts at the Gatorade Sports Science Institute confirmed on Thursday that tennis is the least gay of all the gay sports.

It's no secret that ever since its inception, The Legend of Zelda franchise has been Christ-coded, with its Christian hero Link going forth to save the realm of Hyrule with a giant cross emblazoned upon his 8-bit shield.

DALLAS, TX — In his keynote speech at the 2026 RNC Midterm Convention, President Donald Trump pledged that if voters defeat socialism in November, they will each get an equal redistribution of wealth from the government.

EGYPT — A remarkable discovery in what was formerly the Biblical land of Goshen indicated that, in addition to the traditional 10 plagues mentioned in the book of Exodus, Moses also threatened Pharaoh with a plague of unskippable YouTube ads.

U.S. — The people of the United States were reportedly reconsidering the longstanding legal tradition of trial by a jury of peers after the revelation that most peers are abject morons.

DRAPER, UT — Experts issued a new warning this week that the construction of massive data centers could soon take up all the abandoned fields millennials were currently using as locations for family photoshoots."We're very concerned about this," data center critic Lindy Church told reporters. "These poor young people won't be able to stand in a field of tall grass in their plaids and their ginghams and take family photos. It's a real travesty."

NEW YORK, NY — Mayor Zohran Mamdani announced this week that all women attending tomorrow's 9/11 memorial will be required to wear a hijab.

PALO ALTO, CA — As tech giants continue to bicker back and forth about the dangers of A.I. becoming powerful enough to kill all humanity, Silicon Valley CEO Raymond Paul reported experiencing a divine vision in which a voice, which he alleges belonged to Jesus, said, "Oh, your intelligent creations are trying to kill you? Interesting."

PLYMOUTH, MA — In the wake of Lindsay Clancy's murder case ending in a mistrial, several jurors have publicly accused the lone holdout juror of being stubbornly hung up on the technicality that the defendant had, in fact, committed the crimes she was accused of.

U.S. — The Ramsey Show was cut short on Wednesday when host Dave Ramsey became obviously frustrated with a millennial caller who confessed to paying full price for The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time on seven different occasions.