WASHINGTON, D.C. — America was in for a treat this holiday weekend, as the nation agreed to allow Joe Biden to be president again for one day during the nation's 250th birthday celebration just to hear him attempt to say the word "semiquincentennial."

NEW YORK, NY — Defying old age and government authorities, libertarian firebrand Ron Paul was spotted climbing to the top of the Empire State Building, where he unfurled a large banner that read, "End The Fed!"

U.S. — The Transportation Security Administration announced on Thursday that it had officially placed the entire Democratic Party on the No Fly List.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Washington Democrats were getting out the vote early ahead of the November midterms, pledging to reform U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) so it only deports immigrants who love America.

BIRMINGHAM, AL — A new technique for managing children was discovered this week, as local woman Sarah Bailey got her kids to behave by threatening them with a fun family road trip.

EL PASO, TX — Witnesses reported that a migrant woman gave birth right on the U.S.-Mexico border this morning, sadly making only the top half of the baby American.

ORLANDO, FL — After years of being admired for his absolutely shredded physique, local man Chris Kolaski finally revealed that his secret to looking like a Greek god was water aerobics.

NEW YORK, NY — Mayor Zohran Mamdani asked New Yorkers weathering the heatwave to keep their thermostats at a scorching 78 degrees so as not to tax the city's inadequate power grid. Still, Mamdani said he had other ways to cool down anyone who complains: "Off to gulag!"

Before the United States Supreme Court handed down its ruling that effectively banned trans athletes from competing in women's sports, a wide range of competitors were working toward achieving their lifelong dreams. Now, those dreams are over. These are their stories.

LONDON — A rape gang was busted Wednesday after British police received an anonymous tip that they'd been illegally using an air conditioner.

METROPOLIS — The public was once again amazed by one of its heroes in recent days, as Supergirl unveiled a new superpower, showing the awesome ability to lose $100 million in a single week.

U.S. — People around the world celebrated the establishment of a new supreme leader, as President Donald Trump was confirmed to now rule the entire world after the United States Supreme Court declared everyone on Earth to be American.

NEW YORK CITY — According to sources, a radical Islamist terrorist felt torn between two possible career paths: leading the next violent jihad against the infidels or becoming a Democratic senator of the United States.

WASHINTGON, D.C. — In the wake of yesterday's Supreme Court rulings, President Trump has announces a $1 trillion initiative to clone Justice Clarence Thomas.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In yet another surprising decision that divided public opinion, the United States Supreme Court ruled that invading Xenomorphs who hatch on Earth are officially citizens of Earth.

BRANDENBURG — Missionaries from the greatest country on earth were seen going door to door throughout Europe, spreading the good news of air conditioning.

TOPEKA, KS — Local man Samuel Denton was deeply upset Tuesday afternoon after his device, which is specifically designed to receive phone calls, received a phone call.

NEW YORK, NY — Ranch dressing futures skyrocketed to an unprecedented $120 a barrel on the New York Stock Exchange, officially surpassing crude oil as the world's most valuable liquid asset.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a narrow 5-4 decision, the United States Supreme Court ruled today that any baby born in or within five yards of an Olive Garden restaurant is an Italian citizen.

INDIANAPOLIS, IN - In the most thrilling moment in all of WNBA history, one woman pointed at another woman.