WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following the departure of White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, President Trump got straight to work drafting up a job posting with very specific qualifications for the newly available position.

U.S. — After failing to arrive at a definition of "woman", the WNBA has officially changed the name of the league to ?NBA.

LOS ANGELES, CA — As heated debate continued to rage across the nation and on Capitol Hill over legislation designed to secure U.S. elections, former Vice President Kamala Harris issued a dire warning that the SAVE America Act could result in America being saved.

LOS ANGELES, CA — A special WNBA task force announced on Thursday that they had been unable to define a woman after several hours of meetings led to a stalemate on where to go to lunch.

NEW YORK, NY — Mayor Zoran Mamdani's planned city-managed grocery stores were reportedly set to feature an exclusive "Queue Where You Wait For Loaves Of Leavened Flour Products", the mayor's office confirmed on Thursday.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt has announced that she will be leaving her post in order to be a full-time mom, having prepared herself over the past two years by answering millions of dumb questions.

America's 38th state is often assumed to be just one giant mountain, but it's so much more! For example, the state bird is lark bunting. Bet you didn't know that.

NEW YORK, NY — Struggling to determine the definition of a woman, the Women's National Basketball Association decided to bring in a revered Supreme Court Justice to help settle the question.

BOSTON, MA — The state's Democratic leaders proudly unveiled a new bronze statue of the ancient pagan god Molech in front of the state Capitol on Thursday morning, further emphasizing their commitment to promoting child sacrifice.

Regular Bible study is an important ingredient in a person's continued spiritual growth, but sometimes men just "don't wanna." Here are some foolproof tips to get the men in your life to show up to Bible study:

WASHINGTON, DC — Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez admitted to friends that it's been hard to find single men at her workplace under the age of ninety.

MADISON, WI — After suffering a stunning electoral upset, a distraught Democratic governor hopeful Francesca Hong will be forced to return home and spend time with her white son.

AMARILLO, TX — Amarillo High School graduate David Flexner has reportedly declined several yearbook requests to "stay cool."

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In his first public statement since testifying before a senatorial committee, Dr. Anthony Fauci said misleading the American people on the potential dangers of the COVID vaccine, particularly as it pertains to the risk of miscarriages among pregnant women, was necessary so he could meet Sandra Bullock.

INDIANAPOLIS, IN — In an overt and disgusting display of white privilege, a black WNBA player was ejected from a game for merely shooting her opponent Sophie Cunningham with a shoulder-mounted rocket launcher.

NEW YORK CITY, NY — After rumors circulated that she had split with her boyfriend, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez posted a video explaining how she had actually frozen him just in case she might still want him in the future.

TALLAHASSEE, FL — With recent data showing a marked decrease in crime across the Sunshine State, Florida officials credited its record-low crime rate to having chased away all the Democrats.

NOT SATIRE: Stop the Doom Scroll: Share Jesus

WOODSTOCK, ME — Podcast host Tucker Carlson reportedly deflected blame over dirty dishes left in his kitchen sink on Tuesday, notifying his wife that they were placed there by Israel.

DALLAS, TX — Local driver and overachiever Ethan Harper reportedly showed off an insufferable level of perfectionism during his morning commute on Tuesday by intentionally using his vehicle's turn signal before changing lanes.