MINNEAPOLIS, MN — After a raid on her home by federal agents from the Department of Homeland Security, U.S. Representative Ilhan Omar has expressed regret over hiring an immigration attorney from the Quality Citizeship Center.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Department of Homeland Security brought in famed television host Maury Povich to reveal the results of Representative Ilhan Omar's DNA test.

U.S. — Socialists around the country voiced their deep criticism this week of Elon Musk's plan to voluntarily redistribute his wealth to the nation's children.

SALEM, OR — After the tragic elementary school attack in the city of Bend, Oregon lawmakers have gathered in a renewed effort to ban the sort of gun that was used to take down the school shooter.

PARIS — Devastating riots across France paused briefly this morning, and once this afternoon, for the Islamic call to prayer. It is expected to pause again this evening.

PHILADELPHIA, PA — Eagles starting quarterback Jalen Hurts has suffered a devastating Pfizer injury, ruling him out for the rest of the season.

KANSAS CITY, MO — Staff and onlookers broke out into rapturous applause after local hero Tom Kelson survived watching his wife undergo a C-section.

LOS ANGELES, CA — In a statement to Congress regarding former NBA players who have applied for the WNBA draft, the Women's National Basketball Association has clarified that it defines a woman as an "adult human lesbian."

RENO, NV — Local college student Ethan Connor experienced a major dating setback Tuesday after the girl he had been secretly pining over for eight months referred to him as her "brother in Christ."

FRANCE — French shop owners across the nation have begun hanging hams over their doorposts so the hordes of rioters will pass by their shops and leave their property unscathed.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congresswoman Ilhan Omar vehemently denied any wrongdoing amid ongoing allegations she committed immigration fraud, saying she only married her brother for love.

ATLANTA — Officials at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced today that they are confident this year's flu shot will be highly effective against last year's strain of flu.

CHICAGO, IL — Just 900 people were injured during the latest "No Kings" protest — a record low for the Chicago area — proving the protest technically qualified as peaceful.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and his wife Cheryl Hines were reportedly stocking up on mason jars of beef tallow to pass out to delighted trick-or-treaters on Halloween.

KENSETT, AR — Instead of the normal peace that comes following church attendance, Ben and Joan Witwell reportedly became stressed on Sunday when, after sitting through an inspiring sermon on the book of Hosea, they were forced to explain to their children what "whoredom" was.

Halloween is more than just a great opportunity to score Snickers bars from your kids' baskets. It's also the chance to deck out your lawn in a way that strikes terror into the hearts of any liberal who walks by!

PARIS — Angry over the deep societal rot caused by socialist policies, millions of French people took to the streets to demand even more socialism.

DALLAS, TX — Local parents celebrated their 3-month-old son Nolan sleeping through the night last night by waking him up every 20 minutes to confirm that the infant was still alive.

PARIS — The nation of France has thrown its support behind the American conservative movement, graciously spending the past week filming a massive campaign ad for the Republican Party.