With Representative Ilhan Omar seemingly unsure about whether she accidentally married her brother, millions of women have been left asking themselves a difficult question: Am I married to my brother? Don't worry. We'll help you sort this out.

U.S. — Fans are reportedly more excited than ever for the 2026 World Series, eager to sit down and watch a compelling matchup between Not the Dodgers and Not the Yankees.

OPHRAH — Before going into battle, Gideon, the son of Joash the Abiezrite, reportedly asked for a third sign to prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that the Lord was with him: for a wet fleece to be turned into a tank.

PROVO, UT — Entrepreneur and LDS missionary Ricardo Lopez has begun selling residential solar panels to homeowners who aren't interested in talking about God.

EDEN — Asked by God whether she had consumed fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, Eve replied, "Not to my knowledge."

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an interview with MS NOW last night, Representative Ilhan Omar explained that she didn't know that she had married her brother as they were separated at birth to be hidden from their father, Darth Vader.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump proudly boasted of his 36% approval rating this week, prompting aides to pull him aside and explain that approval ratings are not at all like golf scores.

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NAPERVILLE, IL — Dozens of neighborhood trick-or-treaters were left completely unprepared Tuesday evening after local resident Burt Ostler unexpectedly opted for "trick" when presented with the classic Halloween ultimatum.

ALPHARETTA, GA — A full-time Baptist and part-time baseball fan is reportedly struggling ahead of the coming World Series matchup between the Milwaukee Brewers and the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, unsure whether to root for the team named after beers or the team named after devils.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — After a raid on her home by federal agents from the Department of Homeland Security, U.S. Representative Ilhan Omar has expressed regret over hiring an immigration attorney from the Quality Citizeship Center.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Department of Homeland Security brought in famed television host Maury Povich to reveal the results of Representative Ilhan Omar's DNA test.

U.S. — Socialists around the country voiced their deep criticism this week of Elon Musk's plan to voluntarily redistribute his wealth to the nation's children.

SALEM, OR — After the tragic elementary school attack in the city of Bend, Oregon lawmakers have gathered in a renewed effort to ban the sort of gun that was used to take down the school shooter.

PARIS — Devastating riots across France paused briefly this morning, and once this afternoon, for the Islamic call to prayer. It is expected to pause again this evening.

PHILADELPHIA, PA — Eagles starting quarterback Jalen Hurts has suffered a devastating Pfizer injury, ruling him out for the rest of the season.

KANSAS CITY, MO — Staff and onlookers broke out into rapturous applause after local hero Tom Kelson survived watching his wife undergo a C-section.

LOS ANGELES, CA — In a statement to Congress regarding former NBA players who have applied for the WNBA draft, the Women's National Basketball Association has clarified that it defines a woman as an "adult human lesbian."

RENO, NV — Local college student Ethan Connor experienced a major dating setback Tuesday after the girl he had been secretly pining over for eight months referred to him as her "brother in Christ."

FRANCE — French shop owners across the nation have begun hanging hams over their doorposts so the hordes of rioters will pass by their shops and leave their property unscathed.