ANN ARBOR — In one of the most remarkable technological breakthroughs of the past millennium, scientists at the University of Michigan have successfully traveled backwards in time by one second.

ANN ARBOR, MI — A highly controversial ending at Michigan Stadium has unfortunately put a slight black eye on the NCAA's otherwise sterling reputation.

U.S. — As news broke that the murder trial of Lindsay Clancy would end in a mistrial, Heaven released a statement reminding everyone that justice is still ultimately in the hands of God.

TUSCALOOSA, AL — After putting on a superb performance in the season opener, young college football star Davis Mack began worrying that he could wind up in the NFL Draft and be forced to take a massive pay cut.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — American voters overwhelmingly passed a federal ballot initiative yesterday ordering the removal of Massachusetts from the United States.

JUDEA — In adherence to the teachings of Jesus, Simon, who is called Peter, was committed to forgiving the neighbor who wronged him up to "seventy times seven" times. Unfortunately, after forgiving him 73 times, Peter reportedly lost count and had to start all over.

BURBANK, CA — Panic swept through Warner Bros. Studios on Tuesday after a senior colorist was terminated for accidentally allowing visible primary colors to remain in a major motion picture.

NEW YORK, NY — Interviews conducted with employees of CBS News revealed that Editor-in-Chief Bari Weiss was facing internal backlash over allegations that she had attempted to commit actual journalism.

NEW YORK, NY — New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani was reportedly seen standing in front of his bathroom mirror practicing his "sad face" in preparation for his upcoming appearance at the 9/11 memorial.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump announced on Friday that he had successfully annexed the Canadian hockey team, the Montreal Canadiens, and would be renaming them the Montreal Americans.

CHICAGO, IL — A fifth-grade teacher at Lincoln Elementary reportedly admonished her classroom on Thursday, asking the kids to please raise their hands to be called on instead of firing pistols into the air.

U.S. — The State of Massachusetts has officially been ruled incompetent by reason of insanity.

HELL — Feminist icon Gloria Steinem refused to allow Satan to hold the door open for her on the way into hell, in what many are calling her final act against the Patriarchy.

PEMBROKE PINES, FL — An adventurous gourmet with an eye for rare edible treasures was reportedly eager to sample the exotic delicacies of the Far East at local Chinese buffet Super Dragon #1.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretary of War Pete Hegseth set up a lemonade stand by the Reflecting Pool in order to raise money to allow the military to purchase more missiles.

PORTLAND, ME — Progressive local church First United Methodist of Portland announced that it would now be offering a mail-in attendance option for its parishioners.

JUPITER, FL — A Florida court suspended golf legend Tiger Woods' driver's license for five years after an investigation determined that he is half-Asian.

NEW YORK, NY — Governor Kathy Hochul desperately tried to warn New Yorkers that Republicans were taking away women's rights, but no one in the room could hear her because her mouth was covered by a hijab.

Connecting with the older folk can be a challenge, especially when you have a hard time understanding what they're saying. But don't worry, if you put your mind to it, you can learn to communicate with even the lamest of old heads.

BARAD-DÛR, MORDOR — Accused of attempting to enslave all the free peoples of Middle-earth and cover the land with darkness, the Dark Lord Sauron explained he only did it because he was suffering from postpartum depression.