ANCHORAGE, AK — A military spokesman confirmed Wednesday that Russian forces launched a successful sneak attack on Alaska while everyone at North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) was busy tracking Santa's sleigh.

BETHLEHEM — Shepherds began to believe they may have found the Christ child after discovering a baby with a glowing halo hovering above its head.

GREENVILLE, SC — Local woman Ashlynn Bagley began to suspect that her husband did all his Christmas shopping yesterday after she opened a present containing a can of Dinty Moore beef stew.

U.S. — CBS News has descended into turmoil after new Editor-in-Chief Bari Weiss asked the journalists employed there to do journalism.

SPEARVILLE, KS — By the time his family woke up Tuesday morning, it had become clear to everyone that family patriarch Josh Billings had already lived seven full lifetimes.

President Trump announced an exciting new Trump-class battleship that will be the largest, fastest, and most powerful battleship fleet in the world.

CLEVELAND, OH — While opening a present shaped like a Tommy gun, local father Fred Reinfeld was once again disappointed to discover it was only socks.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After the latest batch of Epstein files was released by the Department of Justice, it has become evident to everyone that Jeffrey Epstein, along with being a vile sex trafficker, had some sick fetish for girls with giant black square heads.

RANCHO CUCAMONGA, CA — According to sources, local man Mark Hunter still doesn't quite trust any product that lacks the Official Nintendo Seal of Quality.

The curtain had not yet fallen on Turning Point USA's AmFest 2025 before rumors swirled about how they were going to top it next year. How do you follow up such a wild show?

It goes without saying that Christians in America have it harder than anyone else, but the persecution always seems to get even worse during the Christmas season. Need proof? Look no further.

PHOENIX, AZ — Following her surprising appearance onstage with Erika Kirk at Turning Point USA's AmFest, rapper Nicki Minaj revealed that her hit song "Anaconda" was actually about how the federal government needs to reduce deficit spending.

BLUFFTON, IN — Local man Mark Connors wouldn't describe himself as ungrateful so much as surprised to learn that, as an adult, Christmas didn't involve more cars with giant bows on them waiting outside.

BEVERLY HILLS, CA — According to sources, locals noticed a local man driving an electric car down Rodeo Drive and blasting Nicki Minaj out of his open windows - clearly outing himself as a Right-winger.

The Babylon Bee has scoured through the thousands of pages of newly released Epstein documents to uncover all of the photos that don't include former President Bill Clinton. Here they are, in chronological order:

SANTA FE, NM — After honking and swearing at a slow-moving car this morning, Marcus Nabors watched in horror as the car slowly turned its way into the parking lot of Nabors' church.

AUSTIN, TX — The State of Texas has issued its annual reminder for residents to please refrain from shooting Santa Claus.

Everyone used to know about the treacherous pitfalls of listening to jazz music -- how it would lead to a life of sin and debauchery. Somehow, people stopped talking about the dangers of jazz, even though the music never changed.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — An investigation has revealed that Representative Nancy Pelosi purchased $10 million in Taco Bell stock the day before President Trump loosened marijuana regulations.

Donald Trump loves Donald Trump. And who can blame him? That's why it's super cool and not at all strange that the iconic Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts is being renamed the Trump-Kennedy Center. But this is only the beginning.