U.S. — As the first World Cup matches were set to get underway this week, the stadiums were completely devoid of fans as all the people who traveled to America for the tournament were hanging out at Buc-ee's.

AUSTIN, TX — As the richest man in the world approaches a net worth of $1 trillion, Musk confirmed that he would soon have enough money to officially become the Batman.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump set a new world record this week by winning the same war with Iran for the 27th time this year, shattering the previous record of one.

SAN ANTONIO, TX — For the health and safety of the team's players, the San Antonio Spurs will be stationing EMTs near its bench at all future games to prevent choking.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Microsoft founder and former CEO Bill Gates was brought before the United States Congress this week to answer for his connection to convicted sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein and Windows Vista.

U.S. — The least popular sport in the world is hosting a tiny little tournament for the few people who care.

As Christians, we believe Jesus was the Messiah, or anointed one, and a fulfillment of Jewish scripture. But we understand that it might not be obvious to everyone, so let us guide you through some of the more subtle hints in the Bible that Jesus was truly the one called Christ.

LONDON — Public uprisings in Ireland flared once again last night, as Irish citizens lashed out in anger following the attempted beheading of an Irishman by a Sudanese migrant, leading UK Prime Minister Kier Starmer to ask the Irish not to bicker and argue over who beheaded whom.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As racial tensions continued to rise in the wake of the verdict handed down in the Austin Metcalf murder trial, a somber former President Barack Obama said if he had a son who stabbed someone in the heart with a knife, he would look just like Karmelo Anthony.

AUGUSTA, ME — The citizens of Maine have cast their votes to officially update the state flag to include a swastika.

Unsubscribing from spam texts is well known, but did you know you can also unsubscribe from your wife? All you have to do is text back "UNSUBSCRIBE" and she's legally required to stop.

SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Local mom Rachel Thompson reportedly enjoyed a brief half-hour break this week in between finishing all the laundry and having to do more laundry.

LOS ANGELES, CA — Following last week's primary elections, L.A. residents now face a difficult choice in the general election between an avowed communist and an avowed communist.

MCKINNEY, TX — Nineteen-year-old convicted murderer Karmelo Anthony, in his first public comments since being found guilty of first-degree murder, expressed regret that he didn't convert to Islam and stab someone in the UK instead.

On the Day of Pentecost, the apostles were imbued with power from on high that manifested as gifts of prophecy, tongues, and more. But which gifts are the coolest?

U.S. — The nation was thrown into a state of shock on Tuesday afternoon, as a jury in Texas ruled that you can't just stab someone in the heart for no reason at all.

LOS ANGELES, CA — Officials in California hailed the historic number of ballots cast in the state's primaries, proudly reporting voter turnout of 250%.

U.S. — Americans reported being absolutely staggered by how much better their lives have become since the U.S. went to war with Iran.

CHICAGO, IL — The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics revealed on Tuesday that America may be heading into a major economic depression following the announcement by the McDonald's Corporation that Big Macs will now be listed at "market price."

NEW YORK, NY — Chaos erupted during the NBA Finals on Monday night, as President Donald Trump was struck in the ear by a T-shirt launched from a cannon at Madison Square Garden while he attended the Knicks-Spurs game.