NEW YORK CITY — Mayor Zohran Mamdani has strongly condemned New Yorkers for making Muslims throw improvised explosive devices at them.

HOUSTON, TX — Out of a job after his primary defeat, Dan Crenshaw has officially joined up with the crew of the infamous "Pirates Who Don't Do Anything."

VATICAN CITY — Pope Leo issued a forceful condemnation of the Allied Forces resorting to violence instead of simply talking things out with the Nazis.

NEW YORK, NY — After months of mounting concern over her apparent change in viewpoints on geopolitical matters, popular commentator and podcaster Megyn Kelly reportedly went back to normal after eating a Snickers.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — The United States State Department issued an evacuation order for the U.S. embassy located in downtown Minneapolis on Friday, citing concerns over the safety of American citizens in the area.

U.S. — As the Trump cabinet experienced a significant changing of the guard, new Department of Homeland Security nominee Markwayne Mullin surged in popularity among the American people after vowing to deport liberal white ladies.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With a hard-set face betrayed by tears, President Donald Trump was seen taking Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem out back behind the White House woodshed.

Following his primary loss to Steve Toth, Texas Congressman Dan Crenshaw is now looking for a new career path.

TEHRAN — The United States Air Force confirmed a major strategic victory in Iran this week after it utilized a $30 million smart bomb to destroy one of Iran's used $3,200 Toyota pickup trucks.

MILWAUKEE, WI — Sources revealed that Stephany Sumner, 37, was entirely unable to restrain herself from talking about how much she loved coffee after taking a sip of chocolate milk with a single drop of espresso in it.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Faced with the threat of their total annihilation, the Islamic Republic of Iran reportedly contacted the White House on Thursday to ask if they could "please have Joe Biden back."

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With tensions rising both domestically and around the world, members of the United States Congress gave the American people a solemn pledge to work tirelessly to expose all sex criminals who aren't in Congress.

BATESVILLE, IN — In what many called a brazen attack on cherished American values, the Ripley County Board of Commissioners announced that it had elected to replace a local 4-way stop with one of those roundabouts.

It can be difficult to find modest attire when you're a Christian woman, what with all the competing expectations. Fortunately, we at the Babylon Bee are not just prophets - we're also fashion experts. Here are seven simple tips for Christian ladies to dress modestly:

PERSIAN GULF — In a sign of enormous good will, American forces helpfully converted 20 Iranian warships into submarines.

TEHRAN — Following the death of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei and a significant portion of the nation's leadership, the Assembly of Experts, charged with choosing the next Ayatollah, have opted to appoint a new supreme leader who is already dead.

U.S. — Conservatives across the country have expressed concern over the United States becoming entangled in another foreign war -- OHHH DANG OUR SUBMARINE JUST FRIGGIN' TORPEDOED A BOAT WE ARE SO BACK!!!

TEHRAN — In a tragic oversight, Iran's "Assembly of Experts" forgot to include an expert in not dying in a massive fireball.

FALLON, NV — Local Pentecostal Christian Glenn Fuller reportedly beat all his friends at Scrabble yet again thanks to his miraculous ability to spell out all words in tongues.

WACO, TX — According to sources, a lame local church doesn't even have its own app.