As Spirit Airlines prepares to permanently close its doors, it's time to take a look at some alternative means of travel.

LAKEWOOD, CO — In a solemn family meeting, local father Chandler Cooke gathered his wife and children into the living room to unveil the family's detailed, non-negotiable Lord of the Rings summer viewing schedule.

There's a lot of talk out there about ending racial discrimination, but I implore everyone to reconsider. If we stop discriminating against people based on the color of their skin, the racists will have won.

COLUMBUS, OH — The world's leading theologians admitted this week that they have been collectively struggling to find a good explanation for why a loving God could allow Ohio.

U.S. — Now that the TSA is fully funded thanks to the end of the partial government shutdown, sources confirmed that air travel was already back to being awful for its usual reasons.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Less than a week after yet another assassination attempt against President Donald Trump, leaders of the Democratic Party pushed back against claims that they are guilty of inciting violence and said anyone who thinks they are should be eliminated by any means necessary.

JACKSONVILLE, FL — Local man Trevor Riggs announced that he regretted spending 15 minutes reading the Bible this morning.

U.S. — According to reports, a small town girl living in a lonely world was forced to cancel her travel plans after being politely informed by an Amtrak employee that there isn't actually a "midnight train going anywhere."

HEAVEN — Within moments of arriving at the Pearly Gates, local boomer Gary Whitaker located Heaven's sound booth and politely but firmly informed the angelic operator that the worship music was too loud.

MACON, GA — A smoke alarm living in the house of a local family waited patiently until all the home's occupants went to sleep to start beeping loudly sometime around 3 A.M. to announce that its battery was low.

With yesterday's ruling, the United States Supreme Court officially declared it illegal to redraw voting districts based on the races of its citizenry. Sad!

NEW YORK, NY — Mayor Zohran Mamdani declared an official budget crisis in the city after having completely run out of other people's money.

UNITED STATES — After seeing Ben Sasse's incredible faith in God and upstanding moral character, the nation now understands why the former senator had to leave politics behind.

LEE'S SUMMIT, MO — Traveling to and from work followed its standard pattern this morning, as a local dad once again split his commute between worshipping the Lord Jesus Christ and cursing out bad drivers.

SANTA MONICA, CA — According to sources, a local vegan Crossfitter cyclist has become increasingly frustrated in his social life because he never knows what to tell people about first.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Shortly before the United States Supreme Court issued its ruling on Louisiana's proposed redrawing of its congressional map, Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson reportedly asked fellow Justice Clarence Thomas if it was too late to ask who this "Gerry Mander" person was.

NEW YORK CITY, NY — Facing a significant budget crisis, Mayor Zohran Mamdani confirmed he had called his mother to ask if he can borrow $4 billion.

U.S. — The growing rift between the political right and left in the country became even more evident this week, as a new poll showed that a majority of Democrats believe the Lincoln assassination was staged.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a devastating setback to the Democratic Party, the United States Supreme Court ruled today that they have to stop being racist.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump presented King Charles with a beautiful new toothbrush as part of the monarch's visit to the United States.