WASHINGTON, D.C. — A tearful President Trump has reportedly issued a halt on all deportations and ordered the immediate withdraw of ICE from Minnesota after witnessing celebrities wear pins that said "ICE OUT" during the Grammys.

U.S. — What had been expected to be a delightful lunch was thrown into chaos and threatened to destroy an entire day, as a local man's sandwich was completely ruined after not being cut into triangles.

ST. PAUL, MN — Governor Tim Walz has emerged from the den of the Governor's Mansion to declare that there will be six more weeks of rioting and fraud.

U.S. — The political system in the United States took a sharp turn away from addressing practical issues facing the nation, as both the Republican and Democratic party platforms were replaced with lists of people they would arrest.

SACRAMENTO, CA — Governor Newsom announced today that construction has wrapped on the long anticipated high speed rail project, finally connecting his house directly to the French Laundry.

ARVADA, CO — Local dad Craig Smith has spent the past year fervently praying that his daughter Claire will get a decent case of acne from age 14 until about 23.

U.S. — The new trove of Epstein documents has revealed damning photos of Microsoft's former assistant "Clippy" visiting Epstein island.

U.S. — A new report out of Harvard University indicated that zucchini actually isn't that bad after covering it with flour or cornmeal and a lot of seasoning and frying all the taste out of it in hot oil.

U.S. — Self-proclaimed journalist Don Lemon was arrested on Friday for allegedly raiding a church service and intimidating its congregation, prompting experts to warn that such actions taken by the DOJ could be a slippery slope that leads to arresting politicians and other people who deserve it.

LOS ANGELES, CA — A movie studio with access to the entire collected works of humanity for use in its film adaptations reportedly opted to make yet another Spider-Man movie instead, sources revealed.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a surprise choice to succeed Jerome Powell when his term expired in the spring, President Donald Trump nominated an unknown Spanish economist named Ronaldo Paulino as chairman of the Federal Reserve.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A study from the National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine (NASEM) confirmed on Friday that everyone is doing a great job parenting, and you're the only one having problems with your kids.

America woke up this morning to the chilling news that journalist Don Lemon had been arrested by the Department of Justice, sending a terrifying message that if you break the law, you too might also be arrested and face the strong arm of totalitarianism.

Everyone knows by now that the Jews are behind everything that happens in the world, but there are far more nefarious plots they are orchestrating that you don't even know about.

COLTS NECK, NJ — After putting out a new song titled "Streets of Minneapolis" as a show of support for anti-ICE protesters, musician Bruce Springsteen issued a statement threatening to keep releasing songs until deportations were stopped.

MONROE, MI — A local man was seen shoveling snow in his driveway like some sort of idiot, because apparently, he doesn't know snow just melts and goes away by itself.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists revealing that they had officially moved the Doomsday Clock to "85 seconds to midnight," President Donald Trump held a press conference to announce that he had created his own Doomsday Clock and set it to "infinity seconds to midnight."

GREEN BAY, WI — Local man Bill Green was outed as a literal Nazi when someone overheard him saying in public that we should have some laws and borders.

Everyone is looking for ways to slow the aging process these days, but does anything actually work? A few simple tips and tricks can go a long way.