WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democratic lawmakers once again called on the Department of Justice to reign in ICE officers, fearful that mass deportations will make illegals afraid to vote.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — While appearing at a White House press briefing on Tuesday, President Donald Trump revealed that he had been mistaken and was actually thinking of Iceland this whole time.

WINNEMUCCA, NV — According to witnesses at a local pet store, a father was about to make a fatal mistake after his daughter asked him if she could have a bird.

Following the incident over the weekend when Don Lemon joined leftist protesters to invade a Minnesota church service, churches around the country are looking for ways to avoid suffering the same fate.

GRAND RAPIDS, MI — After seeing reports of an anti-ICE protest at a Minnesota Target, local wife Beth Harris announced she would also stand up for the plights of immigrants by spending a day in Target.

U.S. — To keep up with popular consumer trends and make products more appealing to the company's customer base, Subaru announced that all models will now come standard with a built-in ICE tracker.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a brilliant stroke of genius, President Donald Trump has just disguised himself as a Muslim migrant so that Europe now has to let him invade Greenland.

NUUK — With rhetoric from both European countries and the United States over control of the island escalating, Denmark commenced a plan to protect Greenland by securing it in a giant cookie tin.

CUPERTINO, CA — The world's most popular and trendsetting tech manufacturer set the consumer world on fire once again this week, as Apple introduced a new iPhone for your other hand.

Following their successful attack on a local church service, ICE protestors are reportedly prepping for even more assaults. According to one anonymous source, social justice warriors have nine new places in mind.

ST. PAUL, MN — According to sources, membership at a local pentecostal church failed to notice when protestors stormed the building and began screaming at everyone because it wasn't at all dissimilar from a typical pentecostal service.

SAINT PAUL, MN — An already traumatic incident turned even worse on Sunday, as former CNN personality and apparent left-wing protest ringleader Don Lemon immediately burst into flames upon entering a church.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the American public demanding action be taken by the government in response to aggressive and violent leftist protests across the country, U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi promised to prosecute Minnesota rioters as soon as she finishes releasing all those Epstein files.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Anitfa has flooded the streets of Minneapolis to protest against violence by viciously beating innocent bystanders.

You were deeply lost in a daydream right in the middle of Bible class when - oh no! The professor is calling your name to answer a question about... something. Here are the ten best things to say if you find yourself in this terrible situation: