VATICAN CITY — Seated inside a fortress with 40-foot walls and surrounded by Swiss guards, Pope Leo XIV cautioned the rest of the world's population not to fear mass Islamic migration.

U.S. — In a landmark decision sure to send shockwaves across the social media influencing sphere, the Supreme Court of the United States ruled that the death penalty is OK for people who post "BREAKING" and a red siren emoji before every tweet.

REDWOOD CITY, CA — Older woman Laura Middleson reportedly went to her local wellness spa and had the clinician there inject her with Botox so she could look like an older woman who had been injected with Botox.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump unveiled plans on Thursday for the construction of a massive Triumphal Double Golden Arch in the nation's capital.

LOS ANGELES, CA — A comedian who is paid millions of dollars annually to make people laugh appeared on a podcast to explain to the American people that it is not his job to be funny.

PORTLAND, OR — Local residents were greeted Saturday morning by an atheist missionary who politely asked if they had a few moments to talk about nothing.

NEW YORK, NY — Mayor Zohran Mamdani announced that the city was going to spend a whopping $30 million on his city-run supermarket, with the project expected to take three years to build.

Fresh brisket is on the board!

ST. PAUL, MN — Tax Day is here and Minnesota's vibrant Somali community would like to remind everyone that the deadline to file is midnight.

AUSTIN, TX — Local couple Tyler and Madison Hansen expressed grave concerns this week that having a baby might significantly disrupt the many hours a day they currently spend sitting three inches apart on the sofa staring at their respective iPhones in total silence.

WILMINGTON, DE — Secret Service agents reportedly looked at each other and shook their heads on Wednesday, as former President Joe Biden committed an unfortunate act of mistaken identity while his motorcade passed a house with a lawn jockey.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Just days removed from a controversy that arose after he shared an image on social media that drew allegations of blasphemy, President Donald Trump complained that he was being crucified for comparing himself to Jesus.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As part of ongoing ceasefire negotiations with Iran to bring the weeks-long conflict to a close, U.S. President Donald Trump announced that the Strait of Hormuz had been officially renamed as the "Donald J. Trump Straight of America."

U.S — A battle between the holiest man in the world and Pope Leo XIV broke out online this week, with many claiming the Pope crossed a line when he criticized the most righteous man ever to walk on earth.

U.S. — After a fifth woman came forward yesterday to accuse former Representative Eric Swalwell of sexual assault, Swalwell has hurtled into the lead of Democratic presidential candidates.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the sudden resignation of California Representative Eric Swalwell over sexual assault charges, analysts speculated that there were now just 534 perverts remaining in the United States Congress.

HOLLYWOOD, CA — It's a simple formula: take an already wildly popular franchise and then tweak it a bit to attract even more fans.

Lost amid the controversy swirling around the image he posted to social media depicting him as a religious figure are the truly miraculous signs that have been performed by President Donald Trump. Don't believe it? They're well-documented.

U.S. — According to podcast host and self-professed theologian Tucker Carlson, Muslims aren't anti-Christian. In fact, they love Jesus so much that they want to help His followers meet Him as soon as possible.