U.S. — The nation has reportedly slipped into a period of deep sadness and introspection after learning that Iran may not actually nuke Los Angeles.

WORLD — International fast food giant McDonald's announced today that it had successfully reduced its entire global workforce to 27 kiosks and one guy named José.

U.S. — Could there be a connection between TikTokers celebrating women killing their children and more women killing their children? Experts at the American Psychiatric Association think there could be.

SANDWICH, IL — A new chapter of life was set to begin for one local father, as sources in Heaven confirmed that God was excitedly waiting to press the "Destruct" button on the man's 40-year-old body.

NEW YORK, NY — Liberals around the country prepared to commemorate the anniversary of October eighth, the day Israel attacked Gaza completely unprovoked.

NEW YORK, NY — Mayor Zohran Mamdani attempted to deliver a solemn address to mark the anniversary of October 7th, but was derailed as his wife's party balloons kept floating through the picture.

LOS ANGELES, CA — Singer-actress Ariana Grande was excited to make some extra money this fall as she landed the role of a lifetime as a Halloween lawn skeleton, sources confirmed.

MESOPOTAMIA — Having sown his proverbial wild oats, Noah decided that, having turned 500 years old, it was finally time to settle down and start having kids.

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ — New York Giants quarterback Jameis Winston was placed in the NFL's concussion protocol by team trainers after he gave a coherent answer during an after-practice interview.

The Pentagon officially approved execution by firing squad for the Fort Hood shooter, but that's not the only crime the military is seeking the death penalty for these days.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump approved the execution of Nidal Malik Hasand on Monday, confirming that he would be tied to a bomb and dropped on the country of Iran.

PARIS — At long last, the Palestinian people finally have a land to truly call their own.

Looking to move to a new state? Look no further than Indiana! There are plenty of reasons to move there. Seriously.

U.S. — With unrest drawing attention around the globe and the November midterm elections coming up soon, Democrats made it a point to blame President Donald Trump's cuts to USAID for slowing the communist takeover of the West.

WOODSTOCK, ME — Shouts of "BOOOO!" could be heard coming from a cabin in the woods as a man later identified as podcast host Tucker Carlson became increasingly frustrated while watching Indiana Jones defeat the Nazis, neighbors said.

NEW YORK, NY — Against all odds, a young, attractive blonde woman managed to land a job working at Fox News.

NASHVILLE, TN — Prison officials admitted they were unsure how to go about executing a woman who was currently being kept alive by a ventilator that is plugged into a power outlet in the wall.

SAN ANTONIO, TX — A group of archaeologists at the University of Texas in San Antonio excitedly announced the discovery of a massive skeleton that could provide evidence for the existence of the Nephilim. Sadly, however, the bones were ultimately discovered to belong to a giant Halloween yard skeleton owned by a local family.

PARIS — The broader French populace became persuaded by the justness of the protesters' cause after seeing them use a homemade blowtorch to set a woman's face on fire.